I guess I'll post twice tonight, because I feel like most people I know have outgrown this site and hardly post on it. Remember when it was so cool to have an online journal? Remember the pre-twitter times where you could write whole paragraphs of cryptic things instead of just 120 characters worth? Honestly, I look back at some of my rambling entries and they make little to no sense to me. I suppose growing up does that. Those moments that you felt would bind to you, they fall away to become replaced by something new. I wish I had a better memory because so much of the good, and I know I've experienced plenty of good, so much of those moments and feelings feel like someone else's life. Or I wish I hadn't been so cryptic and just vomited the truth all over these "pages", be damned those that would have balked at that.
I had started keeping a real paper journal a few months ago, but I type faster than I write. I just know if this site ever truly dies, almost 8yrs worth of words and thoughts will be lost. I wonder if I could get away with printing all of it and storing it in a locked cabinet. I know there are ways to backup your entries on this website, but the idea of having them on paper that I can hold makes me feel slightly better about all of it, even if a lot of the entries hold very little meaning to me right now. I'd understand without understanding completely. I'm 32 but I don't feel very different than 25. I'm still working on whether that's a problem, although I suspect it's a lot less black and white than that. It seems pretty apt that I'd be dating someone named Gray, like he embodies the constant need to reevaluate those black and white ideas and let in the light so things aren't so dark or bright. He's 30 and in the same boat as me as far as though thoughts go. I don't know how to unfeel my younger years. If my depression hadn't become so extraordinary awful, I feel like I would be a bit more accomplished than I am at the moment.
I'm looking forward to putting a radio show together with Gray. I'm just waiting for Jubei to get back in touch with me about the official WTNR launch so I know how much time we'll have to prep our everything but the kitchen sink tastes and somehow combine them into something that flows.Oh, and we need a show name. I suggested "You Turn Me On" based off the Beat Happening song but Gray has never heard it before. Still, I think it's a nice double twist since listeners would have to turn us on in order to listen and b/c we're a couple. We can't use my old "She's Got the RAdioactive" name since it's no longer going to just be me.
And I'm waiting to go back to work and collect more books/records and have a steady paycheck again.
Ahh, I think my sleep meds are finally starting to kick in which is perfect timing since I'd told myself to try to sleep before 2am tonight.
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