| "Is it because I'm beside myself with love that I can say these things to you, honey?
Or is it because I'm beside myself with guilt that I can't say these things to you, honey?"
Heh. Totally. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| | Godammit, Leilani. Just breathe. Just remember to FUCKING breathe. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | How is it 10pm, already? I can tell I am getting older, because once 10pm rolls around, if I am not already out the door, I consider it too late to even consider going out at all. How did I get to this point? Ha. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| It's been 5 weeks since I last updated and a lot has happened and I am way to drunk to even begin writing about it.
Maybe, tomorrow. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | No no no, NO! I did not want to fucking feel like this today. Please, make it stop. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | 5 am and I am still awake. I've been sitting here, just overwhelmed with thoughts, all of them competing to be the dominant voice and most of them .... all of them, make me want to cry. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So, I just...well kinda made a mix tape in order to keep myself distracted. I still need a song for the end of the b-side that will be less than 4:15 (cause the last song I wanted to put on there cut off at 4:16 and it's 4:21 minutes long) but I had to call it quits for the night cause my mom wanted to go to bed and also, I was starting to feel depressed by every song I came across on my iPod. Figures.
Anyway, here's the playlist so far, because I have nothing else I really feel like talking about right now. I go to see my doctors and my therapist tomorrow afternoon, so it's going to be a busy day and I am probably going to feel fucking depressed for the majority of it. I just...I don't know. I don't know anymore. I feel as though I have lost my arms. Nothing feels right. Nothing tastes right. I've been through so fucking much and now this? Fuck.
Oh right, the playlist. Here goes;
side a
1. randy newman - suzanne
2. six organs of admittance - thicker than a smokey
3. shuggie otis - rainy day
4. moondog - all is loneliness
5. the incredible string band - blues for the muse
6. the holy modal rounders - half a mind
7. gong - eat that phone book coda
8. justin heathcliff - which is true
9. os mutantes - desculpe, baby
10. stereolab - percolator
11. gilberto gil - cerebro electronico
12. the baroques - mary jane
13. the fall - midnight in aspen
14. destroyer - your blood
15. supreme dicks - blue elephant
16. white magic - plain gold ring
17. yo la tengo - saturday
18. michael hurley - no, no, i won't come down no more
side b
1. monks - pretty suzanne
2. modern lovers - someone i care about
3. quixotic - we are alone
4. neil young - the losing end (when you're on)
5. josephine foster - run maroona
6. galaxie 500 - king of spain
7. otomo yoshihide's new jazz ensemble - preach
8. sun city girls - blue mambo
9. amon duul II - eye shaking king
10. the bar-kays - soulfinger
11. can - mary, mary so contrary
12. brian eno - i'll come running
13. holderlin - waren wir
14. john fahey - in christ there is no east
15. Still working on that one! | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Early today was pretty bad. My ulcer was agitated and I ended up in bed pretty much all afternoon. I tried to get up around 2'ish and then felt as though I was going to throw up. I didn't want my mom to freak out and make me go to the hospital, so I just took some more cough medicine with codeine and let it knock me out and slept some more.
Things got better when my friend Lauren came over. We walked up to Video Library and rented movies. My mom watched one of them with us and we ordered pizza and Lauren and my mom drank some beers. I don't want to fuck up my ulcer more or mix alcohol with the codeine, so I drank tea. After my mom went to bed, Lauren and I shared a joint and began commiserating. It was nice. Probably one of the better nights I've had since all this shit started happening. Tomorrow, I'm going to try to grab dinner with Michael B. and then go out later. I guess I am okay with leaving my mom home. I'll probably leave my keys with her and she said something about going to the Bridge to see a movie. I feel bad leaving her alone, but at the same time, she's been here for almost two weeks, now. That's a long time for anyone not to go out. Even depressed me. And she keeps telling me I don't need to keep her entertained, so I guess I should believe her.
I also have to work all day tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it, but I owe Michael H. the help and he's been there for me in my most annoying moments in the last few weeks. I'm going to try to organize the whole used cd section tomorrow, in order to take some of the stress from the store off his shoulders.
I'm still pretty depressed. I cried for about two hours this morning, while my mom had left to go to the bank and walk around. I still miss him and think about calling him every day, but I can feel myself transfering to this anger stage, where I'm no longer blaming myself...and that's sort've helpful (although typing about it makes me feel bad about it, so who knows how long I can do it...?) I dunno. No, I'm wrong. It still hurts and I still can't be angry at him. I wish I could, though. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Jared says, at least I am not in Fall Out Boy. I guess that is supposed to make me feel better. Hmm.
A few good things, cause Jared also says for every sad, depressing post I make here, I should try to think of good things about my day, so here we go;
-I spoke to Michael B. for over half an hour on the phone tonight. He gave me some good advice, reminded me that the people that really matter still love and care about me and mostly just gave me something to talk about besides all of this shit and made me laugh. We're going to try to get tacos on Saturday night.
-My friend Lauren is coming over tomorrow afternoon and we're going to rent movies and commiserate about our broken hearts. It's good to know people that are kinda going through the same thing. It keeps me from feeling so fucking alone.
-Sunday, Li is coming down from NYC to visit me. I called her in hysterics earlier and she really helped to calm me down. Again, I am always amazed by how great my friends are and I love all of them. I appreciate them being patient with me and understanding it sometimes takes me a long time to open up...
-My mom is still here and I love her very much.
-My therapy sessions are going really well. It was funny today cause somehow we got to talking about religion and she asked me if I felt weird because she had a Jewish last name (she didn't phrase it like that exactly. it was more on topic to what I was talking about, but my head has been in about a million places since then, so excuse the generalities...) and I confessed to her that the reason I chose her DID have to do with her last name, but it was because one of my favorite artists, Leonard Cohen, had the name and for some reason I just felt kinda right about it. She thought it was really cute and said that it is often interesting how people decide who they're going to seek for therapy, since initally it's not an easy descision. We also talked about how she was willing to tell my mom that she hoenstly feels that trying to force me to go back to Texas would just be more detrimental towards my situation, so I was kinda relieved...or I am kinda relieved. I've been very worried about that.
That's about all I have in me to be...not so much happy, but...I dunno....not sad about. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Today was going well till I talked to Michael. I need to just stop thinking about any of this and do my homework. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | One silver lining, I got a book from James and Michelle in the mail. It made me cry. I have such amazing, loving friends. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Went to the doctor. More pills to take. Broke down today and tried to call him, but I hung up mid-ring. Feel ridiculous and horrible, as though I've just made things worse. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Home now. I had to leave class early. I'd been on campus since 11am and just couldn't take it anymore. My teacher started talking about how he won two online poker championships this weekend and my first thought was to txt Matt some joke about it. I'd even opened up the application to write him, but then I realized he won't talk to me and closed my phone and started shaking. Not long after that I told my teacher I was feeling severely ill, and he noted that I was looking peekish and let me come home. I'll have to e-mail him for the assigments. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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